Introducing Sexy Food: Time to be Titillated

Seattleite’s new weekly column is sure to wet your appetite.

Hello, my name is Linda and I’m a foodaholic. It’s a good thing I like sex too, or I would be at risk of weighing 300 pounds. There have been so many times in my life when food and sex conspired together for the greater good of my personal satisfaction; I decided it would be selfish not to share. That’s where this column comes in — we are going to romp through the journey of Sexy Food together.

Photo: Alvin Nguyen

I am like a twelve-year-old boy in the sense that I can find sex in anything. Show me a pot of bland, brown chili, and I’ll show you a nearly-missed photo op of two girls soup-wrestling in a bathtub. I will also show you how to sex up your dinner parties, dining excursions and tablescapes. After all, who doesn’t like food with a side of sexy?

This, my friends, aint yer mama’s Seattle. It’s yours. It’s ok to ditch the shoulder pads, LL Bean briefcase and microwave meals of your parents’ generation in order to make a sweaty mess in the kitchen. Once again, it’s cool to cook. And to pay careful, deep attention to what you wrap your lips around. Whether you’re delicately dipping your tongue into a spoonful of soft, pink tartare at Canlis or plucking the virgin leaves off the first globe artichokes of the season, it’s hip to go slow and savor.

Catered parties are a thing of the Reagan 80s. It’s now time to strap on an apron (preferably with nothing else), sidle into a pair of stilettos and get cooking. I’ll be your guide, and I promise to be gentle. The Cooking Channel calls me “the Lady Gaga of Food,” but I fear I’m a little closer to the Johnny Knoxville. Regardless, I firmly believe that most problems can be solved by simply taking your clothes off, and that’s especially true in the kitchen.

At the very least, we, together, will transform your daily dinners into orgasmic fetes. Watch this space for sultry, seasonal recipes and lascivious kitchen secrets from superstar Seattleites. Keep tabs on the throbbing pulse of food trends, farmer’s market reports and by all means, send in your questions! Email me at sexyfood@seattleite.com.

Sexy Food is not a one-way street. Come on, you wouldn’t force me to play all by my lonesome, would you? It takes two to tango, and sometimes it’s more fun with a group. Let’s do it together.

Have pressing concerns about recipes, parties, etiquette or anything else that tickles your fancy? Ask away for a chance to see your name in lights on the marquee of the Lusty Lady, or at least to be featured in this column. For a list of my Sexy Food qualifications, television and media credits, and Seattleite stats, peruse the about page on my read-at-your-own-risk food blog, Salty Seattle.